said in a voice like telefoneguy from FNAF
Okay guys, it's time you get to really know why I've been so absent during autumn, winter and during spring. And I'm sorry in advantage if I'm going to upset anyone by reading this. AND NO, I WON'T QUIT DEVIANTART.
So it all begun a few years ago. I've never been really happy and joyful during the winter and it's early months, since it's so dark and cold here in Sweden during winter. We really put a "winter is coming" into our season. But anyway, University was just starting and I didn't suffer too much from my chronological joint-pains. Around that time, on September 10th, I begun drawing a Transformers fancomic called Eons Ago. Nothing serious or too big, it was simply going to be somewhat of a fun side-project to show my appreciation to the fandom. And boy, I was really not good at drawing my favorite transformers, but I didn't really mind it that much. It was mostly a fun thing.
Before I realized it, I'd gotten a small amount of followers. It was surprisingly sweet, and I happily obliged to continue the fancomic. It suddenly got a little more cheesy-and I found myself several times just laugh to myself "how can this crappy shit get attention", -but it got a story. My followers increased. People I really, really admired (and some I still do admire a whole lot) started reading, commenting and favorite my art and comic. I begun putting up comic pages and art on a schedule, about 3-4 pages each week. I sat until late nights just to plan, sketch and draw my messy art. I still didn't know how to draw robots, but I thought it was fun to see how I somewhat improved during the time.
And so, my fancomic had lasted a year, and gotten even MORE followers than I ever expected. I still put up many pages each week. I wrote scenes into the comic which I later regretted deeply and had deep discussions with people about. I was a victim of several art-thieves. I dropped some sidecomics I was making to finish my leading one. Trolls roamed my page. I even got one or two "I'll kill you for drawing that/that character like that" comment. My joint-pains increased. More followers. More comments. More pressure. I begun doing commissions. I got too many commissions to make that I got art-block. My art-block didn't go away. Pressure.
After 3 years, I'd met really good friends and lost some really good one due to tragic reasons. Some I still miss very much- and I have no idea what they're doing or if they're even alive today. I ended my fancomic. The pressure was somewhat lifted. For a short while. I suddenly felt like I needed to make something more, something new, I didn't want to disappoint my followers that increased- almost as fast as I felt my joint-pains increase for every day. Without even knowing it, that winter, I broke down. The pressure from University, making art that I felt wasn't no longer for the purpose of me having fun, relationship with friends and my family, the winter crashing down on me... I got another art-block.
Fast forward to this last autumn and winter. I got depressed. Really depressed. I doubted on so much things. University, some IRL 'friends', my art- and art mostly, it just felt like a huge slap in the face to even think of drawing. I had some dark thoughts, yes. I'm still ashamed of it. I still felt pressure of making comics. Making what I love. Making art that I know others love and wait for. Making my joints hurt so much that I'd cry for days after I've had slight chance of drawing.
I've always compared myself to others- always been the 'late bloomer' for everything, but not like I was during my darkest months. Always believed that no one would think I was good enough. I could sit for hours and watch other peoples art and cry to myself "why don't I improve like this person, and how come that person says he/she's not good enough then clearly I could never live up to that artists level". It was depression speaking. Literally.
I didn't even care that I've pep-talked others that commented on my art the same thing, with replies like "oh, you just need to believe in yourself and practice". When I look back at those moments, I'm ashamed. Art is supposed to be something I love doing, not something I should compare to others and feel regret and angst over. Art is for me. Art is my happiness and my way of expressing my feelings through art.
I'm still trying to recover from a milder type of art-block. I got some new wonderful IRL as well as Internet friends. University is almost over. I came out last year as bisexual after living for years under constant shame of my sexuality. The pressure is starting to weight off. But I'm still not there yet to draw comics like I used to. I make some side-projects for fun, and I would love to publish them on either DeviantArt or my Smackjeeves some day.
One day, I wish I could just stop care about the pressure and just so what I love again, without feeling like I'm the worst person in the world for not updating like I did for 3, very, very fun years. Making a fancomic was one of the greatest things I've ever experienced. I never, not for a slight moment, considered myself 'good' or even 'Internet popular'. I considered myself a fan-artist with a certain style- a little sketchy and a little woggy. Nothing much. Not even when I got over a 1300 followers, I felt like I was a good artist or a good story maker. I still doesn't consider myself a good artist.
But I do consider myself a fan-comic artist-lover. I want to do what I love the most, without feeling my own pressure nag me in the back of my head, without feeling like I'm not good enough. I can improve. It's not hard to try and doodle. It's not that hard to look up some tutorials on drawing and test them out. It's not wrong to have art-block. It's not wrong to say to your mirror, "Hey, it's okay if you need a break. You deserve it".
My Wifu lend me this book, called "Fangirl" by Rainbow Powell. Read it, it's really, really awesome. The main character, Cather, is really, really alike me as a person. When I read it just a few days ago, I cried when I read the parts where she expressed her pressure. I won't spoil it, but look it up for yourselves. It's really a wonderful book.
I started drawing again, guys. See you soon.
YukiOni, signing out.
Transformers Prime: Eons Ago
I got this beautifully awesome Eons Ago stamp from , please share on your Journal/Dash if you also like Eons Ago :3<333
And then I received this friggin' awesome and hot stamp of my dearest SteelMind from <3333
<3 <da:thumb id="122651810"/>
Who's afraid of the Decepticon Justice Division?
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